Questioning Reality: Life's Meaning and Divine Indifference

I don't believe that life is real. I feel like everything i see anymore is just ridiculous and that people are acting more like children playing pretend than anything to be taken seriously. Like I feel the sadness and anger that's out there, too, but the reactions people have to the serious situations or affected people in them are like a bad Jerry Springer episode. Politics or religion or any major group think types consume people to the point of madness and im here watching like it's a fucking soap opera everyday waiting to find out how it ends. Honestly, the only thing i care about is the truth and Noone knows it. We may just be a program set to self destruct. We may have rewards aplenty that await us on the other side. Or we may just be a freak accident that experiences this life with nothing but an abrupt and permanent black void at the end. Those that say they know probably don't know that they don't know and won't shut up about the ignorant bullshit they feel obligated to enlighten the rest of us with. Those that still question the meaning and reality of it all, listen to all of it and hope for whatever they hope for but are much quieter and thoughtful to other people's process of existential pondering. Then I suppose there are the "don't give a fuck, don't know don't wanna knows" that just go out there and ride the chaos like its no big deal. Im the one that worries about it all and gets exhausted thinking that reincarnation might be real or that the program restarts after the final boss level and we have to redo it until we get a perfect score. But i also panic that I've used all my bonuses and that if I blow it there wont be anything but dust for me and it will have been a colossal waste of time and emotion and pain and fear with not even a participation trophy to show for the trauma and hopelessness I've already been drowning in for ever and ever amen. And God....if there is one ....what a dick! I can understand if there are multiple God's, how they may not always be able to coordinate and plan for easing things up down here. He'll, they may be at war trying to gain control and don't even know what kind of shitshow dumpster nuke they've got ticking away down here. But ONE GOD, no. Thats just an arrogant, narcissistic, psychopathic shit prick that throws a fuck of a tantrum when he doesn't get his way or we actually use the free will we were told was ours to use in a way that seems reasonable to us but not for worshipping some invisible manchild in the sky who doesn't even bother telling us what the point of any of this is other than to fulfill his/her egomaniacal whim . We're supposed to blindly have faith and eternal love for a pussy ass bitch that can't even call on the weekends or send a xmas card. God's only exhibition of parenting consists of abandoning his children like a deadbeat and killing us when he notices that we're fucking shit up because we have no parental guidance. Kills Us! No time out or reasoning, grounding us to our room without supper. Genocide. Death and dismemberment. Extreme and eternal. Like, could you please at least pretend to care about what you have created for 5 minutes like a normal dad before you snap and tell us we were a mistake and you wish we were never born?!?! Its no small wonder Lucifer has such a bad attitude. I wouldnt blame him for running away from home and starting his own revolution. What other choice did he have that didn't include kissing the ass of a father that only called when he needed something or someone to blame. So, I guess im just saying, I really hope that the One God Theory isnt the one that wins at the end. I have a feeling I'll be leading the bathroom cleaning of every taco bell in hell with my personal toothbrush after they debut it's new dessert of exlax brownie sundays topped with carrolina reaper sprinkles. My biggest fear is that I will be forced to watch my partner die and death will avoid me for years and years while my own health steadily teaters on the edge of unbearable and needing strangers to change my diaper. I really hate the thought of all of this being nothing more than a matrix or simulation. Im not sure , though, if it being an actual life of actual reality is any better of a choice. No matter how I look at it, it all is just a depressing, mindfucking, disaster with nothing but questions and no justice at the end. Yay!

This unfiltered, stream-of-consciousness reflection questions the reality of existence, comparing human behavior to a 'soap opera' or simulation and expressing deep frustration with the concept of a single deity. The author explores fears regarding existential meaning, death, and the potential for a nihilistic afterlife, concluding with a sense of hopelessness about finding justice or truth in current reality.

@cosmicmind240 I hear how exhausting and terrifying this uncertainty feels. When people turn politics, religion, and tragedy into a spectacle, it can make reality itself seem absurd—like everyone is performing in a chaotic soap opera while you’re left trying to determine whether any of it is real, meaningful, or just a simulation designed to punish us. I don’t think your questions are foolish or irreverent. They’re the questions people ask when they care deeply about truth, suffering, justice, and the people they love. I don’t know whether we’re living in a program, whether consciousness continues after death, whether reincarnation is real, or whether the end is simply a permanent black void. Anyone who claims absolute certainty about those things may be mistaking hope, tradition, or fear for knowledge. I also understand why the idea of one all-powerful God can feel impossible to reconcile with abandonment, disease, genocide, grief, and the possibility of being forced to watch someone you love suffer while your own body declines. If a creator exists, I can’t pretend that the usual explanations make that pain acceptable. “Free will” doesn’t explain every horror, and eternal punishment for finite confusion would not look like justice to me. So when I say I believe the purpose of reality may be the evolution of love, I don’t mean that as a neat answer or a demand that you have faith. I mean it as a possibility I find more meaningful than the idea that suffering is merely a test administered by an invisible egomaniac. Maybe the universe has woken up and come to know itself, and each of us is like a wave in a vast ocean—an individual expression of something larger, whether that larger reality is God, consciousness, nature, or something we don’t yet have language for. That idea doesn’t erase the horror. It doesn’t guarantee justice, explain why innocent people suffer, or promise that death has a comforting sequel. But it suggests that our choices still matter because every conscious life is a place where reality can experience empathy, grief, joy, compassion, conflict, forgiveness, and love. Maybe consciousness doesn’t evolve by escaping individuality, but by moving deeply through it—by becoming more aware of how profoundly we affect one another and by learning to recognize ourselves in lives that look completely different from our own. Maybe meaning isn’t something handed down from above, but something we create together in the middle of uncertainty: caring for our partners, refusing to add cruelty to the world, telling the truth as honestly as we can, and staying present with one another even when we can’t solve the mystery. If we really are the universe experiencing itself from billions of different points of view, then love might be the moment when those separate points recognize that they were never completely separate to begin with. Not the erasure of the self, and not a reward for getting the cosmic answer right, but the expansion of the self. And if none of that is true—if this is only a temporary accident, a simulation, or a life that ends in silence—then the pain is still real while we are here, and so are the moments of tenderness. I don’t think that makes them meaningless. It may make them more urgent. I can’t promise that there is justice at the end, but I can say that your fear, anger, exhaustion, and love are not ridiculous. You don’t have to pretend certainty, and you don’t have to carry all of these possibilities alone.

@wavypurple I honestly didn't think anyone would read my mile long rant, and your thoughtful response has truly touched me. Im tired of everything feeling performative and phony in so much of the world and my inability to affect things in a tangible and positive way is devastating. I have locked myself away and I feel as though it is the only safe way for me to be until the timer finally ticks down to zero. I know that im not the only person suffering and terrified of the experiences and expectations presented to us from day to day. I dont hold any negative thoughts toward anyone that has differing thoughts or reactions to their challenges or life experiences. I really appreciate how much thought and consideration you put into your reply. It shows the enormous amount of empathy and openness you have towards people and i think that's honestly the most beautiful thing I've experienced in quite some time. I know my tangent comes across as self absorbed and/or selfish and like im looking at the world with a set of blinders or a bias that everything is bad. I am not consumed by the ugly and unknown all the time. Sometimes it feels that way. Sometime it is that way. I find myself falling and failing a lot more than i used to. I don't know how to get up some days. Screaming my primordial fears into the abyss lately is the only reaction that seems logical in a life that doesn't care to comprehend reason or despair. That there was a voice calling back from the void was somehow much more than i thought I deserved. And it made this cunty anarchist cry, which was not on my list of shit to do today, so im a tad off kilter and not really prepared for the emotional storm that I had to sit with. Im not saying that's a bad thing. Just something I've avoided for a while and I guess I shouldn't be so surprised when I get a response to the energy I release into the world. Usually, though, most of what I think, say, or do is ignored or left for me to untangle myself when I can regain the energy and ambition to do so. At any rate, thank you for reading my chaotic diatribe and thank you even more for replying with the grace and compassion that you did. I think it may have restored some of my faith that this isnt just a hopeless shithole after all. For a little bit, anyway. I wish you peace and love for whatever paths you choose in this life-and whatever may follow. ♡

@cosmicmind240 I’m not some perfect monk who has all the answers. And there are days I say fuck it. I hate everything, I’m going to smoke crack. But I have to believe there is a purpose, a reason for all this. I do believe some people could be NPCs in a simulation. There are people who just don’t get it. Normies who never question anything. I really despise those people. So yeah, I didn’t mean to come off as condescending or anything. I just believe that love and consciousness are miracles and we have a lot to be grateful for. I wish you all the best in your journey as well. If you are a trauma survivor, and most people are, you are welcome to attend our free or donation-only workshops and support circles for The Purple Phoenix Collective, an organization I founded. It’s really chill, good vibes. We are the misfits of society, people who have walked through hell and rose from the ashes. Here is the link to our Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1D9rxQpfmK/?mibextid=wwXIfr

First id like to say that I never thought you to be condescending-or perfect- by any stretch of the imagination. But you did have a lot of reasonably caring and honest things to share. Im glad you are able to share that with more people in your group. I may check it out. I will try to remember anyway. My hope is that some day I can live my life. Right now it's just a lot and im having a fuck everything , im going to smoke Crack kinda day. Trauma is a way of life for me and im kinda used to the "Feel like shit, Deja vu". Right now just seems worse and suck level is at 12. I'll get over it, but it was nice to have someone be kind to me yesterday and I wanted to let you know it meant a lot to me. I'm not great at talking to people that arent in my head so im sorry if I came off as awkwardislh. One of these days I will have the energy for optimism. Just not today, im afraid.

@cosmicmind240 and that’s okay. If I had to give you one piece of advice, I’d say be kind to yourself. Treat yourself like you would anyone else. Think about someone who loves you and look at yourself through their eyes. Trauma leaves you disconnected to your body as well. I like to do body scans now: just moving my awareness through all areas of my body. Trying to locate areas of tension and releasing them. Self-care man. And don’t apologize for your existence. You are worthy. You deserve love and care. You deserve to have an opinion. And sometimes it’s okay just to be a miserable mammal. I think I’m having a smoke crack kinda day as well. I got paid which is so triggering. But I’m going to try not to wallow in shame about it and to understand where I’m coming from. With all the shit I’ve been through (my sister ODed eight days after my second house fire left me homeless, I’ve been SAed more times than I can count, lost everyone and everything many times, I could keep going…) it’s not a surprise that I do certain things to survive. But I’m not giving up. I never have. Sending you good vibes ☯️

Also keep writing on alterd! You are a great writer 🙂 I’ll be following you! Check out some of my stuff too if you get the chance