Finding True Rest: Belonging and Freedom

Rest, for me, is not so much found in activities as it is a certain state of mind. Every time I am asked this question, I struggle to think of a particular place or thing I would be doing. Instead, I immediately think of certain people. My parents and my friends are the top candidates, as they have created a sanctuary for me. When people think of rest, I think often they think of home. The same old house that they grew up in for decades, the comforting yet timeless meals made for them, and the same neighborhood friends that you’ve known since you could walk. Of course, I’m generalizing, as I’m sure many people have had very different experiences. I, myself, am included in this group. I left South Korea for the vast plains and gilded promises of America when I was 7 years old. From there on, I have bounced around a couple states throughout my childhood. This often left me with a fundamental feeling of insecurity- I think of a quote from the K-drama (and masterpiece) Mr. Sunshine: “그는 그저 쓸쓸한 이방인입니다.“ ”You are yet but a lonely and wistful foreigner.” This quote is considered a classic line in modern Korean arts, and I have a theory it’s for the same reason as why it’s stuck with me for years. That is, the feeling of being stuck between worlds. All of the above was a convoluted way of giving context to my state of mind as a developing boy; loneliness, anxiety, and a deep melancholy that I had no words to express with back then. And this loneliness crept into the darkest recesses of my heart, until I found myself feeling tainted and.. wrong, somehow. This was especially prevalent in undergraduate school. Sometimes, the loneliness would get so bad that I could feel a physical ache, a deep and profound hole, in my chest. This led me to chase after any semblance of the respite I so craved, often to my detriment. I finally reached my breaking point in the summer of 2024. I was at my all-time lowest after having failed my first year of medical school. I will not dwell upon that now in too much detail, lest this dissertation into my mind reach its own breaking point. But something changed- I started doing better (a lot better), and I FELT better. Reflecting on my journey, the people I have surrounded myself with now are some of the most intelligent, empathetic, breathtakingly humorous, and growth-oriented people I have ever met. Around them, I feel I can be truly myself with no fear of repercussions or rejections. I am no longer a wandering stranger, looking for somewhere to belong. Rest, to me, is the ultimate freedom. The freedom to let myself, simply be. And I believe I have started to discover that freedom, that I so covet.