Integrating Inner Child & Architect: Trauma & Creativity

all right I'm home I'm about to pop Adderall and shit I guess I'll record something I don't really I don't feel like it but I gotta do something I don't know I'm about to go out with some girls out here in a second and about an hour so it's like I don't want to get in the zone of recording and then have to get out of it because it'll take me about 15-20 minutes for my flow warm up the voice and then I find a beat then I start recording and then I'm gonna get the phone call hey you ready to slide mm-hmm plays out like that every time and the only thing I regret is I should have got up 20 minutes earlier and started I probably would have finished the song by then because then you lose a certain aspect of the quote-unquote lightning in the bottle whenever you leave that recording and try to come back now you're it's almost like I'm trying to imitate what I was already doing on there it doesn't feel genuine anymore if I leave a song and try to come back to it it almost never works In a way I think I am protecting my process and also I have ADHD and I don't like starting something and getting in the zone and then having to leave the zone for something that I already committed to and I mean I'm getting benefits from both sides but no a nigga need some cooch sometimes. So that's the tension. It's weird seeing that, like, in word form. Like, it's always been a tension inside, but seeing it is like, hmm. You know, that makes it easier to deal with. And so how do I reconcile the Puer aeternus with the architect? I think, I think it's almost like the relationship between a parent and a child. I think the architect is almost the father figure that I didn't have. And so, shit. The inner child wants to connect with the architect, but the architect isn't even connected to himself all the way, because he has to step back and view things from an unbiased point of view, whereas the child is so immersed in the sensory, almost, you know, like, I think, like, cocomelon, the bright colors, and, like, you know, that's what the child is immersed in. The child just wants to go out and play. And for me, in between, I feel like I'm struggling to separate the two. See that's what the architect thinks in his head that he's just trying to protect the child. It's almost like having strict parents like the architect wants to protect the child but the child needs to go out and learn. I think what's been going on is I've been preventing the child from learning and that's why it's almost like I'm stuck in architect mode more than I am in the childish mode. Almost like a fear of being perceived as foolish or childish or you know but it's like should I really care how I'm perceived or because that's an architect thought. Now as the child how do I bring out the child in a way that benefits the architect and how do I bring out the architect in a way that benefits the child. What would it be? A museum of soundtracks? I am, I am absolutely horrified that my soul is the exhibit and terrified of being seen even though I want to be seen. I feel like once I'm seen then that's all there is to see. But the thing about art is you can intentionally put things there to be seen and that's why I like art. One of the reasons I like art, I guess, the sense of control that one can have over what they put out. But also it's a form of almost self-discovery. Like I say things in a song that sometimes I didn't even know I thought that way. And the words come out and it would be like, oh that was accidental but that's kind of tough. And I feel like most music nowadays talks about the same thing. It's just the perspective of the person who lived it that makes it powerful. My only thing is my perspective feels like the perspective that everyone has until I bring my perspective to the table and then everybody's like, what the hell? What are you talking about? So it's like, oh well. So my weird soul would be the exhibit but I don't know how many more weird people there are like me. I have this tendency that I would want to work on this tendency of waiting for permission and I feel like sometimes it's to the point where it'll be like the littlest thing and sometimes I didn't even think outside the box to be like oh I'm allowed to do this I think there is I don't know what to call it a trauma a scar a it's almost like you know like the map in GTA 5 unexplored territory is just blurred out but you can see that it's blurred out like you can see that you haven't been there before I have that kind of zone with permission with myself and it's like hmm but it's almost like what have I been telling myself I'm not allowed to do what have I not been giving myself permission to do that would evolve me as an artist I don't know maybe I'm waiting on myself to catch up I feel like I feel like I grew up fast as a kid and like meant not even mentally this was like spiritually as a kid like I feel like I grew up fast and so and certain traumas I've been through I feel like I have blocked off some parts of myself that now need to get open I don't know how to open them though because I don't know it's kind of like going to the North Pole with the compass I mean it's not it's just gonna be going everywhere I don't know where to go on the North I'm on the North Pole right now it's just cold I'm freezing and the compass is spinning everywhere and I'm lost mmm id rather not i dont have a coat I mean, I think it'd be both in that sense, because what am I doing up in the North Pole without a coat, but I went there for a reason, so I feel like I would have to find that reason and sitting around in the cold wouldn't get me anywhere near that reason. I mean who would I need the apology from? I think so. I hear that child and I feel like sometimes I dismiss that child the same way I as a child was dismissed. And the more I do it, the less it hurts. And to the point to where it's numb. And trying to get back up from numb is almost, it feels impossible. I think the music flourishes from there. I think the lack of fear to get hurt makes everything flourish. I mean, love is pain, life is pain, shit. It hurts to give birth, but I also think that that hasn't only affected my music and art, it's affected my life too. Relationships, I'll be scared to get into a relationship because in my head I already know the way it's gonna go. I already know who I am and I already know, well, that's the thing, that's the problem, is I think I know. And, I mean, it's based off real experiences too, and so I'll just tell myself, oh yeah, nah, I'm not doing that. Maybe I am refusing to let reality surprise me, because reality has surprised me in the past, and it was not easy, it was not good. And so I tried to think of every way to outsmart reality. The thing is, it always is, even if I don't want to admit it, the best music I've made is when I've surrendered to the energy that came to me and just serving as the translator instead of the, instead of the judger, in a way. As I matured and started to become a man and started to realize the true duty that the world requires of a man, especially a family man, a man who went and got married and had kids and wanted to start a family, the responsibility that that takes is unparalleled. The sacrifices that a father has to make is unparalleled. And coming from the place that we come from and just knowing my father's temperament and the family he grew up around, I can see and understand. I don't blame him any more than I blame my own mother too. They all contributed to the picture. They had us when they were young, and so a lot of our childhood was kind of figuring it out in a sense, but I'm not mad at it. I think all of us as people are just trying to figure out this thing called life in general. And unless you come from a fucking Warren Buffett family or something like that, you're not really going to have everything straight. Even when you do come from wealth, there's still the other side of life. There's the physical side, emotional, spiritual side. There's so many parts to this reality that it's just like, it's complicated, but at the end of the day, at least for me, and I feel like I wish everybody would do this, but at least for me, I feel like we should just do what makes us happy. But not everybody is even in tune with the things that they like. Not everybody is, like everybody is so stuck in the hustle bustle of the world and just, and I can understand it though, because we need it to live. It didn't used to, the whole concept of money is even some bullshit. We agreed that this piece of paper means something, a piece of fucking paper, but hey, that's life, right? So cream, cash rules, everything around me. I think that is the problem and therefore I can't really blame anybody because we all agreed to it. I'm definitely playing the game to survive and the man I've become and the man that I'm becoming, I'm almost scared of my potential and the way that I see, like the way I see the world and I'd say, I mean not to talk myself up, but my prowess, I guess, like my ability to understand and relate to people and just not be in their shoes, but to put myself in their position and kind of look through their glasses is one of the reasons why I'm becoming the person I'm becoming. I don't want to be, quote-unquote, evil, but there's no such thing. Everybody who does evil thinks they're doing a good thing. Everybody justifies it from their point of view. I just don't want to get to a point where I justify that when I'm objectively doing some fucked up shit, but then at the end of the day, if I don't do it, somebody else is gonna do it and be in that position that I want to be in. So now the question for me is really what does it take to get to where I want to be and what kind of person do I have to become in order to get there? I'm scared that the child is going to look at the architect with hatred, with remorse. Kind of in the way that at my job, my manager is a person who I understand his position of being, but sometimes the way that he goes about, even just the way he'll talk to his employees, it's like, dude, like I understand the position, but if I was in that position, I still wouldn't be acting like that because most of the metrics and stuff that they care about is just doesn't really move the story. They're just stats. And maybe that's my lack of understanding of that position, but, and that may be actually the, maybe the lack of understanding is the reason why I don't, I try not to jump to a conclusion to just say, oh, he's an asshole. I mean, I feel that I feel it like this motherfucker don't give a fuck. Like you really don't care. And I feel it. And, but sometimes as a man, you have to, cause he has a family to feed. He has to get his check, but why is my heart so big that I'll sacrifice my check for the greater good of another person? Maybe. And I feel part of that confusion is the fact that I did go to boarding school in Africa for a long time. It was like four years. And that I feel like that was during a prime mental growth stage that I would have been through from pretty much sixth grade to about 10th grade. Middle school would have been, because everybody's growing up into their selves, I feel like there I would have learned the way I was supposed to. But I didn't. I got removed from the U.S. in a situation that I didn't even know I was going to be going to school for. This was supposed to be a summer break, go see grandma and come back and resume life. And then I just got left over there, just left, dropped off. Like my mom just left. So, and then I came back four years later. And just during that time, I feel like trust out the window. I made friends, but there was this reserved space that it's almost like watching your life almost happen. I felt powerless. Like I was just sitting in the back of my mind. And I mean, I just had to go through the day to day at that point. I was dissociating. That's what was going on. And now I'm back. And I'm trying to almost learn how to be in the moment. But a lot of my morals and I guess empathy are misplaced. And I mean, not that I should practice being an asshole, but I feel like I kind of do need to practice being an asshole, maybe a little bit just to, but then that's not like, that's not me. Like, that's not me. I feel like now that I'm a little older, I know like when somebody is trying to step over me and stuff like that, like I don't let that happen. But for the most part, like I'm a chill guy. It definitely is. Sometimes I find myself being the chill guy just to prevent confrontation, just to not be confronted. I've stood on, there's definitely hills I'll die on. For the most part, I feel like the stuff that happens in the world is just not worth my two cents. And then on the other side, I guess this is ego talking. This is the child talking. It's like, on the other side, it's like, nah, that shit sucks. Or, you know, like stating an opinion. It doesn't have to be. I grew up in an environment where it was hard to make myself the center of attention because there was already so much going on. And in my heart, I'm a star. I'm a flighty, almost, I'm here and I'm there and I'm gone. All over the place. Vomiting rainbows and shit. That's me. But I taught myself for a while to, nah, don't do that. It's going to get you hurt. People are going to view you like this and try to take advantage of you. I think I just need to learn not to give a fuck, huh? I think that goes into both. I don't think I'm choosing to become a star. I think it's almost Actually, I think it's letting down the wall to let the light out The lights always been there and I know it It's just I Don't know maybe I attract darker beings who don't like sunlight, you know, like vampires don't like the Sun I Show a little sunlight they had to get to burning and shit, you know, and they don't like it and they blame me for it even though Bro, I'm a light like Cause shit, I done been around the vampires so long, maybe they convinced me that I'm one of them, hence being scared to walk into the sun. A light being with the vampires. But at some point, I can't keep them from the dark forever. At some point, the world deserves the light. At some point, instead of being in the dark with them, but all them other light beings are so stuck up in the head. They're so like, because they're light beings. Like they're so, I don't want to be like that either. Like being around the so-called darker people, it's, there's a form of connection that surpasses ego, surpasses, like, it's just, it's just connection. These light beings think that they're the best shit there is when, I mean, they fuck up just like I fuck up, but they act like they don't. At least the vampires own their fuck ups. I mean, they're fuck ups, but they own it. I don't know if I'm the one keeping them from fucking up all the way, or if I'm going to fuck up more being around them. What does break mean? I think I want to be able to show the world that it is okay to break. The thing is I'd have to break. I don't even know how to break. Or is that just what I do by surrendering? Nah, because I feel like if somebody strikes the blow, there would be a form of resentment there. I would want to be the one to do it. But I'm also, I mean, if I'm not strong enough to do it, then somebody else would have to do it. So I don't know. But the longer I wait, the longer it's going to take. Yeah, but I believe everybody lives in some sort of cage of their own making. Check. It is something to be admired. I mean, so many fail safes. What are you trying to keep in? or what are you trying to keep out? You know what, I'm going to go out tonight and I'm going to have a good, childish time. And I'm going to just, I'm going to experiment today with not thinking or overanalyzing. And I'm going to just do tonight and I'm going to see where doing takes me. Maybe I should let the world surprise me with something. I'm prepared for anything. Well, if I never had an expectation in mind, I can't really fail, can I? yes

This exploration captures a candid dialogue between the user's analytical 'Architect' and their expressive 'Child,' revealing a struggle rooted in childhood abandonment and the need to protect the creative self from being 'seen' or 'broken.' The user analyzes how past trauma, including a forced relocation to a boarding school, caused them to dissociate and adopt a 'chill' persona to avoid confrontation. Ultimately, they decide to surrender to the present moment, intending to go out and experiment with being unanalyzed, childish, and receptive to reality's surprises.