Parenting: Training Obedience Over Empathy

children aren’t just learning obedience; they’re being trained in a value hierarchy: containment, compliance, and survival over empathy, curiosity, or care. parents arnt being cruel they’re unconsciously projecting the coping strategies that allowed them to survive. If the world rewarded obedience and punished independence, if chaos or instability was dangerous, then they learned to contain themselves. They pass that toolkit to the next generation—not because they want to squash compassion, but because they’re preparing their children for the machine they know exists, rather than the world they might hope for. the survival blueprint gets encoded in the child before the child has a chance to encounter choice. Compassion, empathy, and play can become luxuries, not default modes “I survive by holding myself in, suppressing need, obeying rules.” Is the narrative that becomes the template for their own adult navigation of the world. adaptation, passed down not just as behavior but as energy. It’s a shadow of survival masquerading as virtue—obedience framed as “good parenting” while empathy and care are secondary. the child’s upbringing reflects what the parents had to abandon to survive, not necessarily what they truly value or hope for.

@xbethx This is such a well thought analysis about children and the environment they are raised in. I admire your intellect fr.

and even if parents do get it right, school often does the same. it's tragic how little hands-on practice you have for all the knowledge you are taught. how can I metabolize knowledge if I don't apply it? in the end, knowledge itself holds no value – what it produces does. and that's what schools are largely missing.

@drain61 it’s interesting. The environment outside of school they will also be exposed too. School is like a microcosm of that and I think in a way, if parents can encourage children to make choices around their own values regardless of external influences, school can be a training ground for that. Like exposure.

@drain61. Funny enough my kid goes to a catholic school… the original texts were messed with and the closest to the actual literal translation from the original Aramaic is the nag hammadi scriptures… I value truth and transparency and equality… so my son returns home from school and if he’s sharing anything religious he’s learnt, we look at the nag hammadi to compare… that’s an example of what I’m talking about anyway.

@xbethx haven't thought of that to be honest, but you're totally right. it's probably the reason why i'm not too worried about school myself. my parents did a great job of making me seek truth. but the point still stands: school can have a negative impact if approached with some status seeking intent

@drain61 I suppose it depends how highly the parents value status. if the school enforces the value of status but the parents encourage individuality and autonomy then I suppose status becomes irrelevant

@drain61 my partner was brought up to value status very much so… he went on to attend a boarding school, became a practicing junior doctor, was married, had a house, money.. all the status things society values, only to become a homeless drug addict who died briefly because of that. a few rehabs later, he realised his value for status was a contribution to his fractured life… now he lives by his own values, 4 years clean. Yoga instructor. And by societies account, “a failure” but by his and mine “ a great success”

@xbethx congratulations on the recovery

My parents raised me ultra-conservative Church of Christ (almost a cult) so obedience and complicity, especially as a woman meant to marry a man and bear his children, was of the upmost importance. I’ve been dealing with a lot of abandonment wounds and religious trauma and my parents were SO surprised when I told them I didn’t feel like we could trust them while we were growing up. So now, as a single parent, I make it my mission to make sure my kids know they 1) can tell me absolutely anything and 2) being yourself and following your own path is much more important than religion or status. Breaking curses is hard but I would rather fight than lay down and be obedient because someone told me to.