Cannabis & Inner Child Healing: Finding Self-Worth

I just hung out with one of my male coworkers, and it was only me and him. He didn't make a big deal of it because we are actually friends and he is a good person, but he mentioned how us hanging out wasn't something he had experienced (hanging out with a girl friend) he is 24 and I am 20 and we just smoked weed in my backyard. He mentioned how the world can be a bad place and I have to be more careful with who I hang out with and what my actions might look like on the outside. I sometimes feel like I have no social cues at all. Or maybe I have this deep inherent need to be liked by everyone. It lands me in so many situations where a male friend starts to me interested in me or thinks I am interested in them. I am an attractive and very outgoing person. I am starting to realize that being the life of the party isn't always so great sometimes. It felt like an achievement to have friends and be so outgoing, but I'm getting almost second hand embarrassment from myself right now. The part of me that was so desperate for connection is who craves all that attention. I need to heal that part of me that was ignored and bullied. That inner child who never felt good enough. I could tell that inner child that she is worthy? How can I parent myself in order to heal my inner child? Maybe this is not a project to fix? If I allow myself to be that inner child instead of treating her as something to be disciplined, I feel like I could become more myself. I wouldn't feel the need to bring her out all the time. When I force myself to be my inner child I feel manic. Like I do whatever I want and don't think of the consequences. That's very child like. The consequences are sometimes so great that I can't even use them as a learning experience. They were simply me just making a mistake even though I knew better but not learning my lesson every time. Having to repeat that lesson every time. I'm just not learning. I can be more forgiving towards myself if I see these mistakes as growing pains, but these mistakes don't really deserve forgiveness. I don't understand why it is so hard for me to give myself grace. I think it's because I repeat mistakes so many times .a repeated mistake can be many attempts to try to get it right? I know now that I'm not gonna do specific things anymore. I tell myself that every time but I always make the same mistake. Repeating the cycle feel like comfort almost. If I break out of it I will have to face the unknown. I am really overthinking hanging out with my guy friend. Is it weird that the two of us hung out? But is it weird to have a genuine private connection? Why do I feel off about it? I think it's a societal thing. I don't necessarily have the social cues to realize that if a man and a woman hang out together it can be considered something more than friendship to the outside world. That unknown is actually just the simple act of existing with no end goal. I get really hyper and I go out a lot with my friends, like every night, so to shift from that to being alone with my mind all the time feels really daunting. I can't even imagine what that quiet part of me is trying to tell me, I haven't identified with it in such a long time. I really like my sense of outwardness but i feel like it is so different from how I used to be that I don't know how to control it that much. I think it's entirely possible that I am using volume to siren out how I once was. What does that mean? There is my regret about sleeping with 2 of my coworkers that I shouldn't have slept with. I think sometimes I may be addicted to sex, like I can't say no, and it comes back to bite me. They do make me feel chosen which is why I like having these encounters. I love feeling that connection with someone, but it is very hard for me to feel it romantically. Romance has been making me feel very anxious lately. I have been taught that my looks are everything. Like I can't be loved if I don't look a certain way. If my looks disappeared tomorrow, I would want to be known for my ambition, my fearlessness, my talent, my leadership, my ability to make people feel comforted, the way I care for others emotions, the way I love animals, and my love for certain things like tv shows or music. The wrong people for me will stick with me even if I change into a better version of myself .

The user processes a recent social interaction with a male coworker while exploring their struggle with attention-seeking, boundary-setting, and an 'inner child' that equates looks with worth. They reflect on the cycle of repeating mistakes, the anxiety of potential romance, and the need to move from performative extroversion toward self-acceptance and existence without an external end goal.