Cannabis, Autoimmune Illness, and Love: A Journey of Resi...

This has been an extremely dark year for me. One year ago I felt on top of the world. I was a Certified clinical medical assistant. I finished school, passed the exam with a high score, completed my externship in urology ( which I ended up absolutely loving) and I had two job offers at HHC. I wish I decided to stay in urology, but the teacher from my school convinced me to go with the clinical float team. It sounded like a good offer. Couple bucks more an hour, opportunity to learn many different specialties. The downside ended up being that HHC has over 100 different specialties, all in CT. Each specialty has 4 or 5 locations. You rarely went to the same place twice. It was like starting a new job everyday. We were expected to have our proficiency completed for the specialty the first day we are there. My first day, I was sent to cardiology and it was their busiest office in Bridgeport. So you’re already dealing with an urban population- patients and employee. Some of them don’t exactly love white girls. But it was so busy that there was no time for hand holding. I didn’t even have a stethoscope and it was all manual. Everyone got an EKG and you were expected to complete the whole MyChart patient interview about meds, allergies etc and the ekg in 5 minutes. Basically , it was a challenge and a 6 month. Commitment before we could apply to have a permanent “home” in one of the specialties. I didn’t love it, but I was doing it. Then started getting sick. More than usual. My immune system already sucked. But I was getting pneumonia, I had the flu twice. There were days I dragged myself in there and I could barely keep my eyes open on the drive in. I was swerving all over the road. I was losing weight, rapidly, and without trying to. So they fired me. I can’t think of another time in my life when I truly worked toward something that I really wanted and I did not succeed. The shame I felt was just soul crushing. Not only did I continue to be sick, i was so embarrassed that I didn’t want to show my face anywhere. Not only did I let myself down, but this was kind of the final straw for everyone that believed in me. The same thing happened at Bridgeport hospital. Every job says the same thing: I’m great, when I’m there. So I really spent the past year thinking about a lot and getting into mindfulness and meditation. And becoming more sick I really put time into every day. Little did I know, I was preparing myself for what lay ahead. Just about a month ago, I was diagnosed with sero-positive RA, with with positive ANA on some blood draws, indicating possible development of lupus. It was very validating at first to have a diagnosis. Thankfully people understood autoimmune diseases a little more these days. But now I’m starting to feel angry at all of the drs, friends and family that doubted me. That said the pain was all in my head or that I didn’t come to their birthday party and they know I’m not really sick. That might be true. Maybe I’m too tired to get out of bed. My weight is down to 118 now at 5’5”. My bones are sticking out. The ironic thing is, I would’ve paid a million bucks to be this thin years ago. Now I’m just always cold. And through the thickest of the thick , whether as my best friend skate boarding to my house in middle school , or as that same boy now grown into a man that I’m lucky enough to call my soul mate and lover, Justin has never left my side. We’ve known each other since kindergarten. Almost 40 years. My god we are old. And we’ve been together for 25 years now. That is a rare gift these days. I may not have my job or perfect health, but I’ve come to see that sometimes love is really all we need.

Reflects on a challenging year that began with professional success as a medical assistant, followed by job loss due to illness and eventual diagnosis of autoimmune diseases (RA, possible lupus). Despite physical and emotional struggles, the user finds strength and validation, emphasizing the enduring support of their long-term partner and the importance of love.

wow that's a lot to carry. i'm glad you got a diagnosis even if it validates all the painful stuff that came before it. that part where everyone doubted you and now it's like, okay so my body wasn't lying, that's gotta sting in a weird way.