Finding Spirit and Self Without Lies

It’s been a long time since I’ve done some shrooms. I feel like my spirit is broken. I’m trying to write this without deciding to post this or not. Writting for an audience as opposed to writting my damn mind is always different. Waking up to the unconscious mechanisms of how we work is painful when you’re alone. Being disconnected from a source of oxygen onto a system where you’re alone and unsure is painful. Mushrooms help me be conscientious about the emotional body that is left behind by whatever the fuck the world offers as a distraction. I’m a man, so for me it’s women, video games, money, status, etc, peace even. I’ve been thinking on the earth lately, I miss her. I miss the lack of order in being in communion with the earth. I’ve been looking at jobs lately, and I and filled with a sense of fear and grief. To work means to go face the world another character of its workings, and I’m afraid of falling for its distractions as once again. To belong to world hurts me. I hate the world. I hate everything that is corporate profits. I hate the word profits. For profit. For profit. Writing about your perceived wounds or traumas as a child often times for me feels like performance, it’s like speaking about a wound somebody told you you carry without truly feeling it. But I guess the logic of it makes sense. My emotional body was neglected as a child, so I cannot feel it well. And as a man, the hell that is to then go love a woman, with these wounds is traumatic itself in a world that profits from your vulnerabilities and male attention system, ie. porn, fantasy, etc. The world is currently so insanely noisy. It’s heartbreaking. World leaders aren’t leaders at all. We fear them. I fear them. I fear for what they do not feel or see. They seem so distant. There are theories of the world, who runs it, why, greed, evil, etc. This ultimately boils down to good and evil. God or Satan. I hate this part. I do not believe there is a god and spending any more time trying to grasp at one feels like betrayal to the human species. I don’t believe in a god. I believe in nothing. Because belief itself is already compromised. I try to follow the way of zen or daoism. Through logic they make sense to me. Through emotions, who knows, I’m apparently fucked up. Sigh. I wanted to write this because I miss myself. I miss me. And I feel lonely in all this becoming, the enviroment for my becoming as a man is laden with so much confusion. I question everything because everything fails to help me feel truth inside of me. Paradox I guess. Maybe paradox is truly the answer. Idk. I wish we could be more real. I wish the world was more real. I wish the world felt brighter. I know all that about how your the way you see things paints your world and stuff. I know my brain is a quantum organ that paints my reality. I know. But I guess to live in that world, in that truth. One requires hope. And spirit. And I’m still trying to understand spirit without what I consider to be lies. I can understand why people believe in god, I myself see the pull towards god. This absolute figure of comfort and wisdom and strenght. The missing cosmic parental figure. I pray for the wisdom and knowledge to be able to lead a life of honor, wisdom, and spirit. To honor my desires, to fuck my woman well, that is to love her well. To see myself and see her in me and through her learn of the world too. I’m a romantic. But I’m also not. Everything I am I’m not and I also am. So I am the devil and I am god. And I feel so lonely saying that because it sounds like hubris. I feel lonely. And I wish the earth would welcome me back onto her wonder and her splendor. I miss the nights and the stars and the smell of fire and laughing friends, food, fucking. I miss peace. I miss something that feels distant and wrong and familiar. I miss truth. I miss love. I wish to love better. But I know I’m learning. And I’m sad I’ve made mistakes. This hurts so bad you guys. I wish for my spirit to feel loved. Cheers.

This unfiltered exploration documents a deep sense of loneliness and existential struggle while grappling with childhood emotional neglect, modern societal noise, and the desire to reconnect with authentic spirit. The user shares a raw, paradoxical view of the self and the world, expressing a yearning for truth, love, and a return to the 'splendor' of the earth, while consciously working through the difficulty of integrating these feelings without relying on dogma or distraction.

Maybe I am seeking an answer to what enough would feel like, but nothing feels like enough when everything feels underexplored.

Thank you for sharing. You are on the path and very aware