Deep Love Amidst Addiction & Support Challenges

I've had a productive morning. I'm talking just kind of nice in a friend's way to this man who's older. He's attractive. I'm not like interested. I know we'll never meet, but he seems like a really nice person. And, you know, it's just nice to talk to people, and you have a good little connection and someone's kind and we can talk. He seems very cool, too. He's with his family. His mother's 95th birthday. He told me he's in New Hampshire with his children and his family. He seems very nice, like a kind person, and it's just nice to talk to new people. Honestly, it really is. I think I'm going to have sales today. I think I'm going to be able to sell this TV finally and the suitcase. Hopefully I can sell them for full price. So that would be $270. That would be great. That would be really good. I texted Steve and we don't have to like say corny stupid can stuff like when it's new. And I mean, I just can be like, hey, good morning, baby. Like, we're together and I know he's not going anywhere. And he really needs me. He does. I'm Steve's support system. I'm his wifey. I'm his wife. I'm his person. I am. And I've accepted that it's going to be tough. And he knows that. But I love Steve and he really needs me. And now he knows how much he needs me. And I love him. And I just want him to be okay. Steve spirals fast sometimes. And I get it because I can do the same thing. It's a scary feeling and it's only your mind. You can be out of it so fast. And you can also be stuck in it for hours. And it's really hard. But I know he's struggling. I mean, I know Steve is going through it. I know it's very rough and it's taken a toll. It's forced. It makes you weak. You know, you have no choice. You just got to eventually start adapting and it sucks. I know that he's just like shit. I just want to be with her. I want to hold her. I want to smoke a cigarette. I want to take a walk. I want to do all this stuff. And it's been a long time for him. And I know last summer was really bad. I'm sure there's stuff he's not telling me. Like when I saw his mugshot, it looked like he'd gotten beat up again or he was recovering from getting beat up. Like his eye was recovering from being swollen. I'm sure there's some stuff maybe he didn't tell me. And that's fine. I don't want to know if somebody beat him up or he got in fights. I don't want to know. But I know that it was bad. And he wasn't okay. And it was beyond me. It was Steve spiraling and not getting the help he needed and me not understanding that and him being resistant. And it was a lot of still really toxic stuff. My situation hadn't changed. I was still living at Restoration. It was overwhelming for him too. It was. The rehab did not work. They were not helping him. It wasn't working. He knew it wasn't working. That's why he would say I should just do the rest of my sentence. So now he knows that he needs me. He knows that we're a good little unit and we should be together. And it's cute. And Steve loves that stuff. He loves being taken care of. He's a man. He loves being a man. And I got to remember that with Steve. That's a big deal for him. He doesn't like when he feels emasculated. He doesn't like when he hates that type of stuff. And I get it. And it's sexy and it can also be hurtful because he really takes it seriously. And it's more to do with the past ten years of his life. He knows it now more. He's not as rough as he used to be. When I met him, he was right out of prison. He's not as rough, but Steve is also a fucking hardcore man. He's a man. He's a beast. He is. He's a really interesting, unique person. He sent me a message last night and he was like, oh, you didn't even check. And I was like, Steve, I didn't check because I was tired. And when I texted you in the morning, you didn't respond to me. Like, he gets stupid. He gets funky. He knows that, though. But we do have, we are bonding a lot more and Steve's sharing more with me and finally admitting how great our intimacy is and how it's special. It's not just nothing. It's not just, oh, we're just fucking for no reason. Like, it's that special with us. Steve is really special. He's a terrifying person. He's a handsome person. I mean, he's a really unique, wonderful, protective, unique person. I love him. He's so special. He's so wonderful and special. I just, I can be happy with Steve if we're living in Newark and we're just bumming at the parks. I mean, and that's fine. When you love someone, it's great. You just hang out all day. You're good. Steve just wants to really do this, too. He just knows he can't use drugs anymore because it's just going to lead him to ruin health problems, legal problems, losing people he loves who care about him, who really love him. And he knows that now. And it's good. He's making progress. He's got me. And he's got people. He's got his friend Tara. He's got, he knows that Tony is there for him. It's sad. You know, it's like he knows he's got work to do. But I love him. I will get married to Steve and take care of him and just be his little wifey, little nurse mama and just be so good to him. He knows that. And I know that. And I know that I cannot force anything or have anything be what it's not. Just accept that we're building and we're growing together. I'm helping him. I have to understand that I do have to kind of be a therapist and really be in a mindset where it's like even though I'm struggling with stuff or something, I just have to get over it and be there for him because he reacts. He's sensitive right now, too. He reacts to stuff. And then it's hard for me because I have to be like, oh, no, no, I'm OK, even though I'm not really. And I know that Steve can help me with this down the line when he's got his freedom and he's feeling more like himself and he doesn't have to be in this environment every day. And I know that. And we love each other. I mean, we have a good, strong thing right now and it's really good.

The user shares reflections on a morning conversation with a kind stranger, contrasted with the intense, complex dynamics of their relationship with Steve. They describe their role as Steve's primary support system, navigating his struggles with addiction, past trauma, and emotional spirals, while expressing deep love, commitment, and a desire for their shared future despite current challenges and the need to prioritize his well-being.

sounds like you're carrying a lot right now. that thing with the stranger in new hampshire, that lightness you felt, that matters. don't lose sight of those moments just because the heavier stuff with steve takes up so much space. you can hold both at once, but you gotta make sure you're not disappearing into being his support system at the cost of yourself. i know you said you'll be there for him when he's better, but real talk, you gotta stay okay too. not for later, but now. that's not selfish, that's survival.

Thank you. I posted this public so it could maybe resonate and I appreciate the feedback