Escaping Societal Traps: Prioritizing Soul Over Expectations

What had my soul fucking screaming was I guess on the outside finally doing shit right. You know what I mean? The psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist, medication, working the job. My husband, like we moved out to the fucking suburbs. I've never lived in the suburbs in my life. Like what the fuck, but like it took me a while, but it's all right out here now. Yeah, like and then like doing all the things, like first thing is the healing journey track, right? Because here's the reality. Life hurts. If you are doing life right, then you are going to get hurt. You are going to to experience things that are going to be unpleasant because you've never experienced them before. You're going to make mistakes. It's going to be your best, your best lessons. The things that you're going to treasure the most in life is going to end up being one of those mistakes. You know, I've been through a lot of abuse and trauma, but nobody hurt me. They just built my strength, character, and integrity and I thank them for that every day. Truly grateful. Truly, truly grateful. But so like you're in a constant like healing from some things, other things are good, like that's life. That's what we're here to do. To love, to heal, to hurt, and do it all over again. Like there's no, like how can you be on a journey when there's there's no destination? Where are you going at the end of it? Are you going to be dead? Like no. I mean you need to heal, but it's not set with the emotions for 90 seconds. Reframe that shit. Let it go. Don't be stuck in that negative energy. Like I say, it's a trap. I promise you. So yeah, that and then I just realized with the whole unmasking thing, because I guess when people are really difficult to program, it makes sense that you know the healing journey makes me vulnerable. Then the unmasking, don't even get me started on the skill regression that nobody talked about and it's framed as like a liberating experience when it's like shedding fucking layers of my soul. And then we don't talk about that though, do we? So yeah, and like I said, I realized that was the trap. Oh, so the goal is for me to do exactly what I had been doing that got me to want to just not get to my job. There's these two big glass doors and every day it was like I had to tell myself like, no, no, April, no. Because I just wanted to ram my head through those glass doors and like if that was life, like what was the fucking point? Oh my God, what a miserable fucking existence. I just couldn't do it. And one day instead of going to work, I went to the beach and then about a week later I told my husband like I just, I just can't. Like I don't, I don't care. I'll sleep under a fucking bridge. I don't give a fuck about nothing but my motherfucking soul. And yeah, I just leaned all the way into, you know, it's been a lifetime trying to fit her in a box. Let's see what happens when we just turn her the fuck loose. And that's where we are right now.

The author reflects on the realization that performing a 'correct' life—suburban living, therapy, and conventional work—was a hollow trap that led to suicidal ideation. They share a transformative decision to abandon these structures, choosing to prioritize their authentic self ('turning her the fuck loose') and healing process over societal expectations. The narrative provides a raw look at the 'unmasking' process, acknowledging both its necessity and the hidden challenges of skill regression.