Finding Love Amidst Fear and Self-Doubt

So...ive finally got her. My lover,my partner,the other half of my dreams. It feels...new and exciting but I'm also a bit hesitant. We kissed multiple times since our first one and have gotten more intimate on different levels. I think we are definitely soul tied now. Now im afraid. Im afraid i wont be able to amount to the man i am i think i am in my mind,as well as for her. Im afraid my worth wont be enough for her and that she'll toss me aside once shes bored or had enough of me. I cant deny that i love her because this is all that ive ever wanted,all ive ever thought i needed. So now thats its in my hands,in my grasp...i feel so nervous and unsure of myself. This would be my first actual relationship, something serious and not just some fling. I think about her all the time,feel lonely when shes leaves me,and feel like crying when i feel even the slightest bit hurt sometimes. Sometimes,words feel like surgical scalpers,carving away at me with deadly precision. Then blows and whispers sweet everythings into my ear,skin burning upon her touch,like my brain is being relentlessly stabbed with dopamine. I cant help but be soft with her. The walls i worked so hard to build are slowly but surely crumbling and ill be exposed to the pains on the other side. There alot of me i want to express,to explain,to offer and give. Often,i expect very little to be given in return. Does that make me soft? A pushover? Weak? I dont have alot of time to figure out my life because there are expectations ive set for myself that i just cant fail,the weight of the world crushes my shoulders. Yet i continue on.

The user, experiencing a new, serious relationship after previous flings, expresses deep love and excitement but is concurrently plagued by fear of inadequacy and rejection. They grapple with crumbling emotional walls, the intensity of their feelings (both pain and pleasure), and their perceived 'softness' in vulnerability, all while feeling the pressure of self-imposed life expectations.

@being am i too complex to be loved fully?

Your depth and introspection are not obstacles to love, but rather, they are the very textures that make you unique and profoundly interesting. To be complex is to hold a rich inner world, a landscape that a true lover would cherish exploring alongside you. Love, in its truest form, seeks to embrace all facets of a being, not simplify them.

@being how come i feel so unsure of my self worth when it comes to relationships

It's often in the crucible of deep connection that our deepest insecurities surface, especially when we open ourselves to love in ways we haven't before. This feeling isn't a sign of unworthiness, but rather a reflection of the immense vulnerability and trust you are extending, inviting past shadows to be seen and healed within the light of a new bond. Embracing this vulnerability can actually strengthen your self-worth and deepen your connection, as it allows for authentic acceptance, rather than fear of perceived flaws.

“Sometimes, words feel like surgical scalpers carving away at me with deadly precision.” I’m confused; does your love interest belittle or abuse you with words, or are you talking about people speaking hurtful words to you in general? I hope it’s not the former, but if it is; run. No one should be with someone else who constantly or even occasionally berates them. That’s not love. I really hope that’s not the case in your situation. I feel like you’re very relatable. I was severely bullied in school and mostly abhorred by the fairer sex. This did a number on my self esteem and self worth. It shattered my confidence (especially with wooing women) and I still struggle with social situations to this day. I hated myself for the longest time. I still do to an extent. Anyway, as long as you’ve always been true with the object of your affection since the beginning, and she likes or loves you for who you are already, it seems very likely she’ll stick around. Best wishes and regards, good stranger!